NOTICE:
It has come to my attention that there may be some who question why B'itt'y Bee has her own page. She is my Muvver, that's why. And she is quite possibly the most determined little pug woman in the world! Any further questions?
Yes? Take it up with my pug muvver.
A MOST MUVVERLY QUESTION...
OK...here' 'a fing a' it...I not get 'iss ole quotation. I not unnerstan' it ay-tall! I know I a mere pug an' all 'at. [You will notice, a' course, 'at I say 'at wif considerable sarcasm. An' w'y, you ask, 'a sarcasm? 'Cause any fool know 'ere no such fing as a 'mere' pug. Us mos'ly smarter nor hoomans...and leas' 'a hoomans I familiar wif.] Naytheless, mere pug or not, 'iss fing make no sense at all 'a me.
Here wot 'a stoopid innernet say:
"Newman's (the mother's) former divorce lawyer, Stephen A. Friedman, testified that he believed there is evidence that Slobodow (the father) had been abusing at least one of the boys, citing a report from Children's Hospital."
http://www.equityfeminism.com/articles/2002/000087.html
I surfin 'a ole the net wiffa daughter Charles las' night. Us looking for new information about the Elsa Newman case-fing. We came across 'a preceding quotation, fromma site given.
Ole daughter Charles a little slow sometimes. An' w'en she read 'at quote onna ole net, she turn 'a me an she say, "Muvver," she say, "I not unnerstan' 'iss. You figger 'a fing out?"
Now I never one 'a admit 'a any ole confusion, so I give it a bes' explanation I able 'a come up wif. "Here how it go, Charles," I say. "Stephen Friedman be Elsa Newman' divorce lawyer inna ole family court inna ole state a' Marylan', w'en Elsa tryin' 'a get a' ole divorce from 'at Asshole guy."
"Bee!" yell' Charles. "Watch you mouf!"
I manage 'a ignore alla yellin', an' I continue. "'En come 'a ole criminal trial. 'Iss same lawyer tes'ify agains' ole Elsa inna criminal trial."
"No, Bee!" Charles go 'a yellin' again. "Her communications wif him cover' by somefin' call' attorney-client privilege."
Once again I maintain 'a ole self-control and try 'a keep ploddin' on wiffa explanation. (I hate it w'en my children ignorant.) "Ole judge say it OK Friedman testify, anyhow, Charles. 'Em judges...'ey gotta right 'a do fings like 'at."
"Sheesh," say' Charles. I b'lieve I turnin' her speechless wiffa wisdom uvva ole explanation.
So on I go. "'Iss Friedman guy, he tella jury 'at he hear Elsa an' her frien' talkin' 'bout killin' ole Asshole." Charles lookin' awful puzzle' by 'iss time, so much so 'at she actual' miss 'a sorry word, so I assure her 'at I gettin' to 'a point, an' I go on some more: "After 'at, Friedman do wot we jus' read 'bout. 'At w'en he tell 'em he b'lieve atta favver messin' wif 'em boys in a not-so-'ppropriate manner." I take a minute 'a look back atta 'puter. "'Pparently he hadda report fromma hospital a prove 'at, even."
To my great dismay, Charles jus' sit 'ere an' stare at me, her dear muvver, wif one uvva blankes' stares I ever seed anyw'eres. An' I knew 'en 'at I had miss 'a mark wiffa explanation. I had loss my dear Charles inna tangle of facks I tryin' 'a get across 'a her. We weren't doin' too bad, anyhow, until Charles lose it an' start yellin' some more:
“BEE!” she shriek, (sometimes, w’en Charles unner extreme stress, she forget ‘a call me “Muvver.” Times like ‘iss, I figger it safer not ‘a mention ‘at fack), “THIS GUY KNEW that at least one of the boys was being abused, but he gave testimony which helped place those boys in the custody of the man he KNEW to be a pedophile?????”
Anna onlies' fing I able a fink of was, "Well, Charles...w'en you put it like 'at...." An' I not know wot else 'a say, either.
So...are Muvver and I the only ones who think something stinks somewhere in the state of Maryland????
Elsa anna oaf...a conversation with B'itt'y Bee of Brocken
Muvver: ‘Iss frien’ Elsa, of yours, if us pugs gonna try ‘a he’p ‘er, she gotta take a’ oaf.
Me: An oaf?
Muvver: I manage ‘a b’lieve you heard me ‘a firs’ time. Howsomever in honor of you’ fading hearing, lemme repeat ‘a ole se’lf. Elsa gotta take a’ oaf.
Me: Muvver, dear…I b’lieve she took about all the “oaf” a person can stand. She was married to him for years.
Muvver: (Slapping herself on her wrinkled forehead with a disgusted paw.) No, Charles. I not mean ‘at kinda oaf. I mean a oaf like you swear.
Me: Ohhhhhhhh! I get it! What kind of oath do you have in mind?
Muvver: Well…me an’ some uvva uvvers been workin’ on ‘iss fing, an’ we have decide’ she mus’ take a’ ole solemn oaf ‘a make pugs her fav’rite breed—and allus help a pug in need—an’ allus give us lotsa feed. Got a nice ring to it, huh?
Me: Wellll…I don’t believe I’ve ever heard an oath in rhyme before. But Elsa may be able to overlook that part.
Muvver: Watchoo mean “overlook?” ‘At ‘a bes’ part.
Me: OK. I take your meaning. However…there is a little something you should know about oaths.
Muvver: (eyes crinkling with mistrust) An’ ‘at somefing would be….”
Me: Well…you see…uh…Elsa’s an attorney.
Muvver: An’ you point is?
Me: Well…she might want different wording in spots, you know? I mean she might be able to improve it a little by adding something legal—or at least something that sounds legal?
Muvver: Wot you sayin’ here is ‘at Elsa might wanna rearrange ‘a ole oaf?
Me: Well…it could happen.
Muvver: Lissen up, Charles. I wanna know ‘iss, OK?
Me: Sure.
Muvver: ‘Iss frien’, Elsa a’ yours?
Me: Yeah?
Muvver: She license’ ‘a practice law inna lanna Brocken?
Me: Well…no…but…
Muvver: ‘En I has spoke my las’ word onna ole subjec’. You frien’ Elsa gonna haffa swear ‘iss ole oaf zackly as I write it up for her. No additions. No subtractions. No legal stuff. Jus’ plain an’ simple.
You realize, a' course, 'at us got no lawyers inna lanna Brocken. 'At mean 'a muvver gotta prepare any an' all oafs, an' see 'em oafs is proper' employed!
Me: An’ if Elsa swears to your oath, then you will help her and her sons all you can.
Muvver: Betcha life, Charles.
Me: More like betting Elsa’s life…but I believe I take your point.
Bee: You not take ‘at ole point too far, OK? I got ‘iss oaf fing ‘bout ready ‘a pos’, an’ I need you ‘a do some typin’.
Me: Gotcha.
Bee--on the question of companion pieces
Bee: Say, Charles.
Me: Yes?
Bee: You know you’ article ‘bout “’A Han’s of a Pedophile”?
Me: Yes?
Bee: I prepare a ‘panion piece for you’ article.
Me: A companion piece?
Bee: Yup. I call it “’A Mustache uvva ole Pedophile.”
W’y you got ‘at funny look on you’ face, Charles? You
do know wot is a ‘panion piece, do you not?”
Me: Yes, of course I know what a companion piece is. But I don’t see any words.
Bee: Here how I figure it. Wot you wrote inna ‘riginal piece? ‘At so disgus’in’ I not need ‘a add any more disgus’in’ stuff. So I jus’ crop ‘a ole pitcher uvva mustache an’ ‘ere you are. My ‘panion piece all finish’! You already said mos’ ever’thing there was to say ‘bout‘a creep.
Me: I see…I think. But I think you ought to know that there is a whole lot more terrible but true things that could be said about this pedophile. I just wasn’t sure our readers could take any more.
Bee: My fought exackle, Charles.
Me: And you want me to post this to your tab on Elsa’s pug
website? You are using it to take a step out in
support of Elsa and her boys? Just the mustache?
Bee: Too right! It kind of a yukky mustache, isn’ it?
Me: That’s OK, Muvver. That guy is way more than “kind of” a yukky person. I’ll see what I can do with your companion piece.
Bee: Fanks.
'A Mustache uvva Pedophile Creep
by B'itt'y Bee of Brocken
In Bee's own words: "This is a pitcher uvva mustache uvva pedophile creep!" And I guess that's all she had to say about it.
Not bad as companion pieces go, I guess.